How I Got 96 Subscribers in 2 Years
A reflection on how I lost myself in the pursuit of overnight success
If you’re in the mood for a podcast-style format, I’ve included a recorded version of the piece for your listening pleasure!
I saw a Substack note the other day that showed how the author started with 10 subscribers and ended month 2 with 9k subscribers. By month 3, they were making $5k a month. “This could be you, but you’re stuck overthinking your first post. Start messy” they encouraged.
I’ve always been drawn to growth posts because it makes me believe that I, too, might be the exception. That in two months I’ll wake up to 9k subscribers. This desire made me a growth coach’s dream.
Over the past 5 years, any time I’d see a course promoting “how to make 5 figures per month in 6 months” or “secrets to tripling your subscribers in 3 months,” I would sign up. Have I accomplished anything those programs marketed? Nope. In fact, I’ve never been able to get through one. The only thing I have to show for is the 5 figure credit card debt I racked up.
You must be thinking, “that is CRAZY! YOU are crazy!” You’re not alone because this would be the thought I would have if a friend shared this with me.
So what drove me here? My obsessive desire to be validated. To be validated as an artist and writer. To be validated that pursuing this path was a successful choice. What are my metrics for success? The revenue and profit my art brings in, the number of social media followers I have, the PR I receive. All external metrics to substantiate that I am indeed an artist and writer.
The reality is I’ve been on Substack for 2 years and I have 96 subscribers. When I analyze my statistics against ones like I shared above, it makes me feel like I haven’t achieved very much. I also start to wonder if I’m not good enough. After all, I just have to start writing to see these results, right?
The last straw arrived last year.
I signed up for a Substack audit. I was impressed by this person’s growth and statistics. I believed that if I learned their magic and secrets, I could replicate their success. What ultimately drew me to them was how they championed authenticity, following your dreams and prioritizing joy. YES, YES, YES, YES!!! I thought. Could this finally be my person?
I spent about 2-3 hours filling out the questionnaire sharing who I was, what my Substack was about and the hopes I had for it.
A few months later, I received my audit. By the end, I was choking back tears from defeat and discouragement. My emotional armor was on to protect me from the hurt flooding my system.
I know this was not the intention. It was an unintended consequence.
They shared that we get to design a safe space when people arrive at our page. They pointed to an image I used of a dirt road with the sun setting in the sky behind it. “This is really beautiful” they commented then pointed to my art and added “people can’t quite get in because it’s confusing. You can use the cute stuff in the body but change the social image so it blends…so it helps people feel safe and held. Maybe remind them about what you are writing about - the feeling of being in the arena and what that evokes for you.”
The way I interpreted this feedback was that *I* might not make people feel safe and held. I crumpled when I heard this because my art IS me being in the arena. It’s me expressing and sharing the most vulnerable part of myself. It’s me extending my hand out to my reader letting them know that they are not walking alone. There’s nothing more raw and real.
At the end of the audit, this person told me they would love to support me as I get to feeling really proud of what I’ve set up.
My Substack is not a case study for growth. There’s so much room for improvement. But I have kept the promise to show up consistently as my most vulnerable self. Every time I post, I call upon my courage to move past the fear and anxiety. It’s been two years of sharing pieces of my heart. This is the longest commitment I’ve had to my art and creativity. I realized I don’t need to get to feeling proud. I already am.
This experience made me realize that in the pursuit of achieving validation, I’ve given away my power and energy. I’ve grown to believe that everyone else knows what’s best. In the process, I lost myself.
What do I need? What do I want? What are my dreams? What is my definition of success?
I don’t know.
Because I don’t know these answers, when I read people’s updates sharing they gained 9k subscribers in 2 months or had a 6-figure launch, I’m overwhelmed by how far behind I feel I am. I attend my pity party where I dance to the beat of the I’m not good enough song. So I shut down and continue scrolling. What’s the point of pursuing my art and creativity?
Right before Christmas, a friend sent a voice note sharing how my words helped her get through the year. That they helped her feel deeply supported.
This. This is why I started writing.
My heart burst with gratitude as I listened to her. Her words felt like a healing balm as I was in the midst of my self-doubt. She reminded me of all the other loving and encouraging messages I’ve received since I started writing. This is what gives me the courage to keep going.
Why you choose to pursue something is the determining factor for whether you give up or keep going.
This is my WHY.
I write and create to help myself and others feel seen. When I first embarked on my personal growth journey, I read and absorbed so much writing and art that made me feel less alone and inspired me to want to be a better version of myself. I am grateful for each artist's vulnerability and courage to show up. My hope is that if you come across my art, you leave feeling a little less alone and a little more courageous to show up authentically for yourselves and your dreams.
I write for my daughters. I often get emotional imagining them reading my work one day. They’ll see that their mama is human. That she laughed and cried. That she felt discouraged and encouraged. That she lost and she won. That at the end of the day, she always chose love, joy and hope. My hope is that they celebrate and embrace the beauty and messiness of life. And allow themselves to be human.
I write for my inner child. For the little girl who had her childhood ripped away too soon. Fun and play were replaced with seriousness, responsibility and work. She was told to stop dreaming and get real. My hope is that she learns how to have fun and play again. And that to dream is to live.
As of today, I’ve chosen to consciously uncouple from growth content and courses.
And my friend, if you are reading this, my hope is that you never lose sight of your why. Prioritize and celebrate the journey. Don’t let the results dictate whether you continue. Keep going even when you can’t see the growth.
To my 96 subscribers, I don’t have enough words to express my gratitude and appreciation. I love you all.
Dear Steph, let me start by telling you that all humans need validation; there is nothing wrong with wanting to be validated. We all do; you are only human. But what I really want to tell you is that you are already successful and validated, by the fact that you are here, that you have been here for 2 years, that you have 96 subscribers, and that you know who you are writing for! That's more than most of the writers on Substack! Be proud of yourself, and celebrate that!
So congratulations, and keep doing what makes *you* happy, and know that you are only *enough* if it is enough for you and you alone! ❤️
Oh, and fxxx the subscriber stats 😆.
I have a lot to say about this, so I might do it in a full length essay. So, thank you. But essentially, it comes down, for me at least, enjoying reading and writing. And combining this with connecting with other people is where nice things happen.
I try to read and thoughtfully comment on other people's work, show interest, show up, share, etc, but surprisingly, it's not always reciprocated. I'm sure there are a variety of reasons for this, too. If this was face to face, it would be rude to not show interest in another person, and yet it happens all the time. It's the world we live in now. So, I move on, and continue to try to connect with like-minded people.
The point being decide what you want. For me, I told myself if just one person leaves a comment that demonstrates care or 'validation', then I'll hold on to that because it means someone saw me, you know?