The Dumpster Fire Fairy Kissed Our Household

A two month check-in on life with two

This post is inspired by Lauren Barber’s post, “Not the year I thought it would be…”

It’s a raw snapshot in time. A few weeks ago, I read How I plan to post consistently on Substack, a post by Elin Petronella where she shared these words that have stuck with me since: 

“To write is a way to process your internal life and make more sense of it all, even when things feel nonsensical.”

So here I am, processing my internal life and making more sense of it all: 

My 2 month old had a 103.1 fever last night. And my 2.5 year old woke up with pink eye. 

My 2.5 year old wants to cuddle and hold my hand she tells me as she looks at me with her pink, watery gunk filled eyes. I tell her in a minute as I finish breastfeeding my 2 month old. All the while I’m thinking - 

• I don’t want you to touch me because what if the virus somehow makes it to your little sister through me. We can’t do a 3rd ER visit in 2 months. 

• We just have to make it to the 3 month mark when she’s stronger and sturdier. 

• But my heart is breaking and I’m sad that I can’t hold you right now because you, too, are my baby. 

• Ooo my eye feels itchy and red (I don’t care what you say, redness is a feeling 🤪). 

Then 💥BAM💥 a waterfall of vomit shoots at me and I’m roused out of my train of thought.

Is this what life with two is like? 

I’ve read and heard about people’s experiences. I knew it was going to be hard. But I could never have comprehended it being this hard. I cried reading Lauren’s post because I felt so much less alone. I’m only 2 months in but I feel her words in my soul:
 

“BIGGER in many ways than having my first.

TOUGHER on my nervous system.

MORE TENDER in my heart.

SO MUCH MORE to hold.

HEAVIER on my Mama shoulders.”

The last 10 weeks have felt like being in the ring, getting punched in the face and as you’re getting back up, you get punched in the face. Again and again and again. 

Here are the thought battles I’m having right now: 

• Winter Viruses: 1, The Wrights: 0 - Some germ or another as been stalking and haunting our household since the end of November. And it’s hard not falling into a victim mindset. Seems like just our family getting steamrolled by illness. Is this some sort of karmic retribution for some dumb thing I did in the past?!
  

• I’m barely making a passing grade as a parent. I feel like I’m shorting both my girls. I’m trying to attend to baby while I try to connect with my toddler. But I’m so tired, so very very tired - mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. TV and treats have become surrogate parents in this household. And I’m being parented by my phone. It’s distracting me away from the kids, which just fuels the shame spiral. I imagine this is the nightmare of every conscious parenting expert I follow on IG. I just feel the judgment spilling through the phone.
  

• I feel guilty for not having more space and energy for my oldest. She’s asking for attention that I struggle to give. The other day, for the first time ever, she walked out of the room and I found her quietly crying on the floor because she wanted mommy. My heart shattered immediately. How can I give fully to both my kids?
  

• I knew I was going to lose myself prior to baby’s birth but the reality is hitting harder - the lack of sleep, lack of connection to my partner, being so far away from the career I was building, not being a present friend. WOOF. Does it get easier I ask myself? It has to, right? It feels like I’m looking out the window, watching the world pass me by.
  

As I sit on the couch with my toddler cuddled up beside me and baby upstairs napping, I feel sleep creep over me. The dull ache of exhaustion is felt in every cell of my body. I wonder how I’m going to get through this. This feels like the moment all the personal development and spirituality work has led me to. 

So what now? 

I’m choosing kindness, grace and patience. 

I’m choosing to  put all the harsh thoughts and commentary in a box to sort through another day. 

I’m choosing acceptance - today I’ve got 2 kids under the weather and the world is moving forward while we bunker down in our germ filled bubble 🤪. And that’s okay. Like yesterday’s rain, this too shall pass.

I choose to refocus my energy towards the things I DO have:

• A partner who is willing to be in the ring with me

• Two precious daughters who make my head and heart swell with love and joy 

• Friends who drop off matcha and a croissant because I couldn’t make it to our coffee date this AM,  who tell me that they’ll make sure I don’t get left behind in the loneliness of postpartum, the ones who send meals, virtual hugs, texts and calls to support me  

• Rediscovering crochet, which is giving me a part of myself back 

• Wisdom and tools I’ve collected over the past few years to integrate and apply in moments like this

• My breath - always being able to briefly close my eyes feeling the inhale and exhale,  bringing calm and comfort to my nervous system 

And remembering these things is like seeing the sun peek through the clouds on a gloomy day. A reminder that beautiful things surround me. Things will get easier. I know that to be true. But for now, I have to sit through the storm. 

If you’re going through a storm, please know that you’re not alone. Do what you need to do but in the end, don’t lose sight of the resilience that lives inside you. You CAN and you WILL pick yourself back up and keep going.